Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
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After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Safety first
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.