Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

Guys, I found it.

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?