Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

Good advice.

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*