Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
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My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.