Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
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Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Just say no
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets