Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

…..pretty much.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.