Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
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Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.