Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that