Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Cats are still liquid.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life