Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
You Might Also Like
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one