Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
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I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Be vigilant
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.