Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

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My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.


5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”


DAD: I can’t believe you bought me a house for Christmas
SON: I hope you enjoy it
DAD: I’m just gonna…
SON: Oh no
DAD: Live in the present


Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.


*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.


We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.


I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school


WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.