Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old