Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t come here to be called names

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.