[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
You Might Also Like
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
become ungovernable
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..