{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
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Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Mistakes were made
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
meanwhile over on facebook
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!