Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

Happens to everyone.

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.