Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.