Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.