Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
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me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face