Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.