Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.