Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
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I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.