Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
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When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
No, I don’t think I will.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.