Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
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Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.