Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
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I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
What kind of a cult is this?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained