Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
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There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
*looks at you in batman voice*
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog