Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???