Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.