Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
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Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
But is it really??
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
True story 🤣
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.