Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Can confirm.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

dril cadence

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

And that about sums it up.

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!