Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.