Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

I think we should hear other voices.

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

The most accurate map ever devised.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.