Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?