Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

water it, i dare you

Beware of the “party goblin”…

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.