Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
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Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd