Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
You Might Also Like
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop