Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
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my professor scared me for a second
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Whoa 😂
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd