Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You drive, I’m tired.”

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

#Thanos #MondayMood

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead