taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
You Might Also Like
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked