Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
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She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.