Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
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microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster