Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Arrest that man!
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
