[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
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They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity