taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
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owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??