Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
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Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention