Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

you stereotypes are all alike

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.