Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

rich people when they have to pay taxes

Schrödinger’s cookie

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.