Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:![]()
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Stick it to the man