Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

🐶😂

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*