Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny