Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
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“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone