Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
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Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense