Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
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Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994