Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
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I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
The smoothest fall of all time
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
ugh not again
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling