Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
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Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Battery falling down a hole
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
do what now??
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
anyone else like Italian cereal
