Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

my name if I was in the mob

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people