Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
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Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”