Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
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This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift