tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
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I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
