tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
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Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.