Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

This is so wrong 😂

Danger is very dangerous

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

Accurate

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

🌲😼