TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
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so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
So glad we cleared that up
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake