@CarriePotter_

#tbt that time i killed a bug and traumatized a child.

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@AmericanGent69

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

@russhigher

My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face!

I love Sharpie markers.

@PaperWash

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

@BuckyIsotope

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

@gwatts77

Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I’m pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots ūüôĀ

@LackOfShame

Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.

Me: I understand.

*bankrupts the company

@mattsurely

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

@MoneypennyNaked

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

@CulturedRuffian

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.