#tbt that time i killed a bug and traumatized a child.

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*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.


Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.


My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face!

I love Sharpie markers.


Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad


PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.


Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I’m pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots ūüôĀ


Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.

Me: I understand.

*bankrupts the company


If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.


Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.


Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.