Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA