Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Like sleeping!

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team