Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean