Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
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Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Seals are just dog mermaids.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I need a headline like this
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.