Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

My brain is a bad influence on me

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.