@LMHPhotog

Teach a fish to catch a MAN, and you’ve got a blockbuster horror movie idea under your belt.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

@writeden

I would probably be in a gang right now if I could stay up past 10pm.

@osigat

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

@lilgapeach30

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.

@SadieSmithRoks

A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.

@Jamberee13

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

@causticbob

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

@novicefather

her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows