Teach a fish to catch a MAN, and you’ve got a blockbuster horror movie idea under your belt.

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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”


me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time


I would probably be in a gang right now if I could stay up past 10pm.


My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.


If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.


A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.


If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.


Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.


If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?


her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows