What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?