teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
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The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
💀🤣
Sorry I made promises on Friday
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I’m tired tomorrow.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.