teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
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If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
😍😂🥰😂😍
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Danger is very dangerous
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”