Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

If a snake ate a cake

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me