teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
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5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.