teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
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When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.