Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler