Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
this is the best interaction on twitter
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
