Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*