teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
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Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
money maker
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?