teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
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Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Icarus loved hot wings.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.